5

Meeting Tony was the strangest thing that's maybe ever happened to me. I knew Dave for four years, but the night he kissed me for the first time... I knew I was going to marry him.

I kissed Tony, or let him kiss me, it took me totally by surprise, but... when he touched me today, he hugged me when we met and... that feeling I had when I looked into Rene's eyes for the first time, it was like that, only my entire soul relaxed, it breathed if that makes sense, maybe for the first time ever.

Then at the restaurant, honestly, I was kinda on guard because I was WAY too comfortable with this man I didn't know... and besides, he's not on the rebound from his ex wife, much of that seems really settled in his soul, but this other woman... oh my god, the man is totally in love with her and me being the smart woman I am, decided at the table that I would not be anything other than friends with Tony, but as we were leaving... he put his hand in the small of my back... no one has ever done that before and I got butterflies and... what I felt was very much NOT friendship.

When we got back to my room I didn't want him to leave, I never invite people in, I live in a hotel for crying out loud I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, I just... I wasn't ready to say good bye. I mean I figured once I did, I'd never see him again anyway, he's all over the place, he's like a little kid on his own for a big weekend or some such...

Why does that even bother me?

I mean I have Rene, I'm not looking for anything other than fun, so why am I so worried about his ability to be in a relationship, to fall in love? This makes no sense. Why am I even thinking this way?

Anyway, when we got back to my room, he kissed me and we got very close, we could have gotten a lot closer if not for the fact that I was freaked out... but what am I freaked out over? I'm seriously being ridiculous... we laid on my bed and made out like teenagers for a very long wonderful lovely perfect time and when we finally said good bye, we stood behind my door kissing and I was just sort of holding his hands... I didn't want to let go, and I'm thinking he's dangerous. He's going to eclipse Rene in a heartbeat and that can't happen.

He kissed me on the forehead... why does that make me feel... no one ever has...

I don't know what I'm going to do about him, about how I feel... I'm over thinking... I need to stop.